How To Get Into a Car Accident: A Manual

I was looking through some old emails and I came across this one that my friend Janai sent me last year. It is HIL-ARIOUS!!! It is so not winter here in Indiana anymore (although the weather has been supremely funky), but this is too funny not to share. . .even now!

LOOKING FOR A SURE FIRE WAY

TO GET INTO AN A CAR ACCIDENT THIS INDIANA WINTER?

By Jan Downs

1. Drive at least 10mph faster than the person directly in front of you. You have a 100% chance of ramming in back of their car.
2. Clear the snow from only a small space on the windshield of your automobile. This will guarantee your inability to see cars coming from the left or right. This will also put you in a position in which you will not be able to determine the true distance between you and the cars ahead of you.
3. Don’t wipe the snow from the back window. There’s no need. Better yet, put the car in reverse after not wiping the back window and record how long it would take to back into someone.
4. Make only immediate stops. By doing so, you will invite cars traveling behind you to engage in a pile up.
5. Decide when it's too late that perhaps you should stop at the red light. Then slam on the brakes as hard as you can. Your car will slide into the intersection and you can potentially get hit from more than one direction.
6. Drive with your hazard lights on, on the highway, and switch lanes at your leisure.
7. Use no caution or delay in switching lanes. The ice on the ground will prompt your vehicle to do figure 8s. This will enable you to slam into curbs and/or cars.
8. Make sharp turns at 30 mph, you give yourself a greater opportunity to lose control of the vehicle and in turn, hit something.
9. Love struck by the pretty little lady to your left who is purposely not looking your way? Stare at her for long periods of time, ignoring the surrounding traffic and the ice patches and will get struck.
10. Ignore precautionary measures as well as the slow flow of the traffic and entertain other travelers with your race car driving skills.
11. Tread the snow at at least 50mph to demonstrate the 4-wheel drive feature on your automobile. You’ll get into an accident in no time at all.
12. Don’t let anything stop you, persevere in your efforts to get home in the same amount of time it would take you if it were 3am in the summer time on freshly paved cemented roads while the police are on an all-force retreat at the Dunkin Donuts across town. Pretend as if there is no severe weather and traffic flow differences that accompanies each season.
13. As you drive, calculate how many text messages you can send to your family and friends expressing your great joy for being sent home from work due to severe weather conditions. Your distractions will cause permanent damage in an accident.
14. Drive with your hazard lights on but don’t clear the area of snow. This way, no one will know until its too late, that your driving has limited stability.
15. Pay close attention, not to the roads and surrounding vehicles, but only to the details of the wreck near you. Analyze the damages and try to determine which of the above mentioned strategies drivers used. You’re bound to get hit.

Taken from experiences from 65North and westbound 38^th St. February 6, 2007

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program. . .